The Complete Idiot’s Guide for Converting to Islam and Loving Allah

Executive Summary

  • Many people wonder, “If I convert to Islam, what is in it for me?”
  • Luckily, this article is here to answer this question.

The image above is not an actual book, not an attempt to say that the publisher would publish it. It is a parody of a book published but would be for actual idiotic people. 


Islam has 1.8 billion adherents. You may have heard it is the religion of peace. However, you may be wondering, “Is Islam right for me?” In this article, we can find out for sure.

See our references for this article and related articles at this link.

Benefit #1: You Get to Stone People to Death

Many people find it very appealing about Islam that you get to “get in on” capital punishment. There is an attempt to make capital punishment both very rare and as painless and quick as possible in Western societies, but not so in the Muslim world. Muslims very much like capital punishment, so much so that they also like to participate! If you like picking out stones that you think can inflict maximum damage on a human body, then this might be a religion for you.

As if getting to stone people is not enticement enough, Islamic countries under Sharia not only will stone people for minor offenses like adultery, homosexuality, and apostasy (that is, things that are not crimes in Western societies), but they will even stone rape victims to death, as rape victims are considered to have committed adultery.

Benefit #2: Do You Like Marrying Children?

For those people reading who are pedophiles, you may feel like you are constantly under judgment in Western societies. Well, Islam does not have the same restrictions, and some would say repressive views on pedophilia. After all, the Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him) married a 6-year-old girl when he was 51. But he was a gentleman and did not have sex with her until she was nine years old. As Mohammed is considered the perfected Muslim, child marriage is now almost exclusively the province of Muslim societies. I might as well say this without trying to be politically correct. If you are a pedophile, Islam is the religion for you. You will find a broad acceptance of such behavior in Islamic societies.

Benefit #3: Are You Pro Spousal Abuse?

Islam is very frank that both wives and slaves can be beaten when they disobey. Slaves were beaten more harshly than wives.

Let us go over a few quotes to show how great it is that you can keep both wives and slaves in line.

On Beating a Slave and Then Not Having Sex With Her

(Mohammed)None of you should flog his wife as he flogs a slave and then have sexual intercourse with her in the last part of the day. – Sahih Bukhari 7:62:132

Not Beating Your Slaves

“Do not beat your wife as you beat your slave-girl” – Abu Dawud 1:142

On Beating Women: Beating Wives: Men Are In Charge of Women

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are obedient, guarding the secret that Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them (beat them). Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them Lo! Allah is ever high, exalted, great. – Koran 4:34

This is a pretty good deal for those predisposed to violent acts to keep women in line.

Many wife beaters will ask me if I am not overselling how good this is. I am not. They think that after they convert, I will “pull the proverbial rug from underneath them,” and they won’t get to abuse their wives nearly as much as I am saying. Trust me when I say there is no exaggeration here.

The beautiful thing is that Muslims today believe this as much as they did in the 7th century. And you don’t have to worry about it changing. That is another nice thing about Islam: since roughly 850 AD, it has been banned (called haram) Islam.

Benefit #4: Thinking in Terms of Cause and Effect and Rationalism are Haram

Under Islam, everything is controlled by Allah. Muslims not only do not believe in cause and effect but they are banned from thinking about cause and effect. This is why Muslims have made close to no advancements in science since roughly 1000 AD.

While Muslims had access to the Hellenistic/Greek works from 700 AD, they rejected Greek logic. By 885, those who supported Hellenistic thinking had been entirely marginalized and or murdered.

This means that Islam is entirely hierarchical and irrational. But while this may be a “turn-off” for those who believe in rational thought, it is hugely appealing for the irrational. So if you do happen to be irrational, then Islam is the religion for you.

Under Islam, this life is just something you have to get through. Your reward is in the next life. Thinking about this life gets in the way of the next life.

Benefit #5: You Hate Participatory Government

Under Sharia, there is no democracy and no participatory government of any kind. There is also no separation between Islam and the government. In Muslim-majority countries, the church effectively runs the government, and as you might know, churches are not participatory. Instead, they are run from the top and based on divine right.

The Eventual Plan for All Non-Muslim Countries

When Muslims immigrate to non-Muslim Western countries, they dream of eventually taking over those countries and converting them to Sharia. This means their participatory governments would be removed in favor of Islamic theocratic states that function as absolute monarchies. Islam then runs every aspect of the citizens’ lives.

Islam is “the final solution” it solves all of society’s problems, and it is total or even totalitarian.

One might think that it is only the “extremist” Muslims that want this. However, this is not true. All Muslims must think this. They must believe this, or they are apostates. Eventually, the entire world becomes Muslim, and Sharia is the world’s global legal system.

Benefit #6: You Dream Being the Star of Your Very Own Eternal Pornographic Movie in Paradise (the Afterlife)

Muslims who become martyrs (that is, die for spreading Islam) receive a particularly tantalizing reward described in the Islamic sources as follows.

Ibn Abi Awfa said, Allah be well-pleased with him: The Messenger of Allah said, upon him blessings and peace: “Every man from the People of Paradise shall be married off to four thousand virgins, eight thousand slave-girls, and one hundred wide-eyed maidens of Paradise. (emphasis added)

They shall all meet him within every seven days.

They shall say with their exquisite voices no creature has ever heard the like before: ‘We are the everlasting women, we never grow old, we are the refined women, we never grow sour, we are the ever-pleased women, we never anger, we are the sedentary ones, we never travel away, blessings to him who is for us and we are for him!’” – Wikiislam

Furthermore, the Muslim martyr goes into heaven with the sexual libido of a 30-year-old man but with the sexual strength of 100 men.

He then uses this 100x sexual libido with his 72 virgins. And he does this for eternity.

Do I have to explain how beneficial this is? It speaks for itself.

Benefit #7: You Like to Cover Yourself (as a Woman) To Differentiate Yourself From Sex Slaves or the “Charmuta”

In Islam, the hijab is considered the minimum allowable coverage. Historically, covering women is designed to differentiate them from sex slaves. Covered women are decent women, and uncovered women are sexually available.

The History of Sex Slaves Taken as Mohammed’s Conquest

An account of women taken as slaves in battle by Muhammad’s men after their husbands and fathers were killed. The woman was raped with Muhammad’s approval. – Sahih Bukhari 62:137 (The Religion of Peace)

Another account of females taken captive and raped with Muhammad’s approval. In this case it is evident that the Muslims intend on selling the women after raping them because they are concerned about devaluing their price by impregnating them. Muhammad is asked about coitus interruptus. – Sahih Bukhari 34:432 (The Religion of Peace)

The nice part about covering women is as a Muslim, you will lie to non-Muslims about the logic behind the Hijab. 

Benefit #8: Do You Hate Freedom of Speech?

There is no freedom of speech in Islamic societies, and this a relief to many who are fed up with the self-indulgent freedom of speech of western countries. Even Turkey, which is one of the most secular Islamic countries, seeks the extradition of Turkish nationals living in the US or Europe for blasphemy to be tried and serve multiple-year prison sentences for blaspheming against Islam.

Here is the list of countries that have blasphemy and apostasy laws.

  • Source Data: Pew Research
  • This chart is interactive. Just hover over the country to see the name of the country displayed.

In this sheet, the countries coded in red have both apostasy and blasphemy laws. The countries in orange have only apostasy laws. What becomes apparent is that only Muslim countries have apostasy laws. While blasphemy laws exist outside of Muslim countries, it is very rare to hear of people prosecuted under any blasphemy law outside of a Muslim-dominated country. 

Consuming media from a source like Al Jazeera is a very good thing. Al Jazeera is 100% funded by the Qatar government, which has no freedom of speech and severe blasphemy laws. When you become a Muslim you can move to consume only content produced by Muslims and based in Muslim countries. 

Are There Any Downsides to Islam?

At this point, you probably say to yourself, “sign me up.”

There is a commercial from the 1980s for Old Milwaukee Beer. And after some outdoor activity, the actors in the commercial state.

“It does not get any better than this.”

And if these commercials had been accurate they would have said.

“Yes, if we converted to Islam.”

However, while I admire your enthusiasm, you may also want to consider that there are several disadvantages to Islam. And I have listed them below.

  • You can’t eat pork (not even bacon). In Islam, pigs are considered filthy animals.
  • You can’t ride donkeys. In Islam, donkeys are also considered unclean animals.
  • You can’t drink alcohol (if you are poor, if you are rich, you can drink as much as you want)
  • You must observe Ramadan, fasting during the day and gorging yourself at night. This can lead to low blood sugar and temper flare-ups.

That is it. It is a pretty good deal.


So, let’s recap.

If you are a sadist, a pedophile wife-beating irrational totalitarian fascist who hates participatory government and freedom of speech, then you would be doing yourself a disservice if you did not take a good hard look at whether Islam is right for you.

  1. If you are a man and imagine yourself as the star of an eternal pornography movie in the afterlife, Islam is the only religion that will provide this to you.
  2. If you are a woman and desire to modify your dress to be wrapped as clean and pristine candy and differentiate yourself from the sex slaves, then Islam is the religion.

There are just so many reasons to convert to Islam, and I can’t fit them all into an article like this. But as you can see, it is a beautiful religion, and only a bigoted person who is narrow-minded and suffering from Islamophobia could have a problem with Islam.

In my experience, the only people who don’t like Islam are those who are ignorant of Islam. Because the more you know about Islam, the more appealing it becomes.